Being yelled at

And so, just on the verge of completing two months at work, I get my first real yelling. On a Saturday night. While on a conference call. 

I feel sick, and the thought of going in to office today fills me with dread. I'm hurt, disappointed, unappreciated, not just a little angry, and very indignant. 

My mom thinks I should have a chat with my boss. Tell him that I felt he over-reacted to the issue, and that I understood why he was upset with me, and that I would ensure I wouldn't let it happen again, he needn't have been as venomous as he was. Unfortunately, I have never been good at confrontations. In all my years, I have never been able to present my point of view calmly and rationally to someone who isn't predisposed to listen. Any attempt to clarify my stand in such a situation, usually ends with me in tears.

And I don't think bursting into tears while talking to my boss is a very good idea.

I want...

I want to live in a place where the weather is warm all year round and there are pretty beaches. I want to be able to leave work-related worries behind when I leave office in the night and not have them prey on my mind till I go back the next morning. I want to be skinny. I want to go shopping and blow an entire month's pay on clothes. I want to drink beer and not get fat. I want to be as good a writer as I think I am. I want to stop feeling like life is passing by too fast and I'm somehow getting left behind. I want some reassurance that the choices I've made in my life have been the right ones. I want to know that I haven't caused any lasting damage due to my own indecision. I want to feel more in control and less like I'm spiralling faster and faster towards an unknown doom, trapped in a web of my own making. 

Nobody likes to be put on a pedestal

I think I may finally have a idea about what went wrong. It struck me as I received a text last night from a friend who was talking about a girl he likes. "She is so beautiful and so nice, she deserves someone so much better than me." It irritated me no end. Who decides what anyone deserves? 

And then I realised that it wasn't so uncommon for people to think like that. I had been treated that way too, not in such an obvious manner - but every action, every word spoken had conveyed that thought subtly. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but the fact is - if you treat someone like they're too good for you, at some point, they're going to start believing it. 

I'm ashamed to admit that I might have begun believing it too. It showed in my constant irritation, in the insensitive way that I said things I shouldn't have, in my condescending attitude, in my sense of entitlement, in my refusal to conform to expectations. I knew throughout that I was behaving badly, unforgivably badly, and yet somehow I just couldn't stop it. 

All he had done was to treat me like I deserved something, and I let it get to my head. At one level I knew that I really should appreciate it more, but on the surface, all I felt was irritation. Why was he persisting in letting me have my way all the time? Why would he never fight back? Why did he never say anything?!

Eventually it became too hard to handle. I don't know how, or even if at all, that line of thinking can be reversed. I don't think there's any going back. I would like to express my regret, but I don't know if I should. So I'm just going to say this.

I wish I hadn't let it get to my head.

I'm sorry.